“Oh Huntsman. Take that metrosexual pink tie & good sense over to the Democratic party where you belong.” Ana Marie Cox

So,the inimitable Ms.Cox twittered last evening to the effect that she couldn’t understand why Jon Huntsman didn’t take his calm demeanor, arched eyebrow and good ideas where they belonged, the Democratic party. After glancing through the results of the Republican foreign policy debate, I tend to agree. These people are deranaged. While Mitt Romney can probably be forgiven for feeling confident, it’s sort of like feeling confident about pitching a no-hitter against the Yankees after ecking out a win over St Swithin’s School for the Blind, Lame and Criminally Insane. Although frankly, they couldn’t make the team at St Swithin’s…

Kaysie-BachmannMichelle Batshit Bachmann is the most evangelical Christian in the mix and she is now embracing atheistic communism.China’s education, medical, environmental and land management systems are horrendous; the Chinese Communist Party is terrified that income inequality, rural poverty and ethnic tensions will result in massive revolts by the ethnic minorities as well as by the Han Chinese who feel left out and left behind. So, she feels that we should be more like China. China is mortgaging it’s future for a somewhat flakey present, and she figures we should embrace that strategy. Well, shit — no wonder she opposed Wall Street Reform, Stimulus Packages and the Consumer Protection Program for investment. China, like Homey the Clown, don’t do dat! They also have lots and lots of abortions, forced and otherwise. So, why does Michelle Bachmann hate the baby girls of China?

If I were an educated Roman as opposed to an educated American, I would regard Christianity as a totalitarian and anti-social force. Well, Bachmann is right there — she’s actually had an epiphany and wants to share it with the world. Mao Tse Tung is really Jesus.

Then there’s Herman Cain. People who get direction from God on what they are supposed to do generally tend to be relatively harmless until they’re not. Anti-theist that I am, I can’t bring myself to blame God for Herman Cain. God has enough fashion sense to reject anyone so confused as to wear that pimp hat. Still, the idea that God told me to do it is pretty lame. There’s a moment in the classic Sergeant York, where Gary Cooper is knocked from his horse by lightning, and he finds Jesus, stops whoremongering and gambling and marries a good woman. Alvin York was interviewed toward the end of his life and asked how realistic that was, and he said it was total nonsense. He fell in love, the girl said no more moonshining, card playing and lying, and he made a choice. So, despite the St Paul paralell that the movie tries to establish, the reality was the poor guy wanted to get married and the girl wasn’t willing to marry a wild man. I mention this because most life changing epiphanies are like that — I have no idea why Cain is running. I do know that when George Will and Donna Brazille agree on the character problems of a candidate, the candidate will be toast.

Why are we even considering Newt Gingrich at this point? Seriously, why? The guy is the Captain Kirk of Starship Ego Trip, and with less substance than a Priceline Commercial. In terms of character, Newt is one of the least crazy of the main R’s candidates, but he’s among the most sleazy. There’s probably a nastier type running for town selectman in a hamlet just north of Jacksonville or someplace, but Newt brings a wealth of general awfulness to the table. The Obama people have got to be relishing a ticket with Newt Gingrich on it. My problem is that if he’s on the ticket, it’s not impossible to see him actually in the White House. Horrifying as that prospect has to be…

Santorum? One trick pony with three working legs. Not worth considering. Perry? He’s got a lot of money and hates Romney. He has as much chance at this point as Krusty the Klown…and before he gets excited by that comparison, someone explain fictional, cartoon character to the guy.

Which leaves Romney…the ultimate hollow man. You know, if you’ve watched children vie for adults’ attention, you notice that they act out more and more untilt they either get want they want or the attention they crave or both. Obviously, one way to regard Bachmann is this way. Gingrich is the smart kid, trying to be Eddie Haskell but he can’t because the Eddie role is being fought for by guys who are more like Eddie and less like Mr. Toad of Toad Hall…who also had a large line of credit at Tiffany’s.

So, I return to the problem posed by Ms. Cox. Why is Jon Huntsman still a Republican? My thought at this point is simple — the combination of loyalty, disbelief, and a measure of morbid curiousity. Works for me a good deal of the time….why not for him?